The short version: When you share a child, overcoming a toxic relationship with an ex isn’t about cutting contact. It’s about lowering what that contact costs you, through written-only communication, set times to check messages, and replies kept to logistics. If fear is part of the picture, safety planning comes first, and 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732 is the place to start.
Clinical takeaways for overcoming a toxic relationship with an ex:
- The relationship changed shape: When you share a child, separation doesn’t end things. It rearranges them. Feeling worn down by that is a reasonable response, not a weakness in you.
- Your body is carrying it too: Months of unpredictable contact keep your body on alert. Broken sleep and a short fuse are part of that, not proof you’re coping badly.
- Safety comes before strategy: Some of the usual advice about standing firm doesn’t suit every situation. Where there’s fear involved, what’s safe to try changes completely.
- Small, dull changes help most: Fewer channels, shorter replies, a gap before you answer. None of it is dramatic, and all of it lowers the load.
You’ve signed the papers. You’ve moved the furniture. And still, your stomach drops every time their name comes up on your phone.
If that’s where you are, nothing has gone wrong with you.
Overcoming a toxic relationship with an ex works differently when you share a child. You can’t close the door and walk away. Contact carries on, sometimes for years. So overcoming it isn’t about never hearing from them again. It’s about loosening the hold that contact has on your day, and getting some of yourself back while it’s still going on.
A gentle note before you read on
This article is for general information only and is not a substitute for professional mental health support.
If you are struggling, please reach out to a qualified professional, or contact Lifeline on 13 11 14 or Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636. If you are feeling unsafe, 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732 is available 24 hours a day. You do not have to hold it all on your own.
Reviewed by Single Mama Elle, single mum counsellor
Last reviewed: August 16, 2026
Why does it still hurt when the relationship has ended?
It still hurts because in one real sense it hasn’t ended. Separation changed the shape of the relationship, not the fact of it.
When you share a child, your ex stays in your week. Handovers. Messages. School events. Decisions that need both signatures. Every one of those is a small doorway the old dynamic can walk back through.
So you’re not stuck in the past. You’re dealing with something that’s still happening.
That takes a toll, and the numbers back it up. The Australian Bureau of Statistics found that one in three people living in a one parent family with dependent children had a mental health condition in the previous twelve months, compared with one in five people in couple families. You are nowhere near the only one finding this heavy.
There’s a physical side too. When stress carries on for months, your body keeps releasing cortisol, a stress hormone that holds you alert and ready. Useful in a crisis. Exhausting across a year. Broken sleep and a short fuse usually come with it. If you’ve been wondering why you feel so thin, a few simple mental health tools can take some weight off the day to day.
Is this high conflict, or is it something more serious?
There’s a real difference between an ex who is difficult and an ex who is frightening. What’s safe to try changes depending on which one you’re living with.
Difficult often looks like: late to handover, argumentative, undermining you to the kids, endlessly draining. Hard work, but you’re not afraid.
More serious looks like: fear. Being monitored or tracked. Threats, spoken or implied. Money used as a lever. Changing what you do or say to keep them calm.
If you recognised yourself in that second list, please read this bit slowly. The Australian Institute of Health and Welfare notes that when women separate from a violent partner, the violence often begins, continues or increases. Leaving isn’t automatically the end of it. If things have felt worse since you separated, that’s a known pattern, not a sign you handled it wrong.
You can talk it through with someone who does this every day. 1800RESPECT is on 1800 737 732, any hour. If you’re in immediate danger, call 000. For the harder nights, Lifeline is on 13 11 14 and Beyond Blue is on 1300 22 4636.
One more thing, and it matters. A lot of general advice suggests being firm and clearly stating your boundaries. Where there’s fear involved, that can raise your risk rather than lower it. Safety planning comes first, and it’s worth doing with someone trained in it.
What overcoming a toxic relationship with an ex actually means
Mostly, it means the relationship stops running your inner life. Not that contact stops.
Most advice on this is written for people without children. Block them. Delete everything. Never speak again. Good advice, for someone in a different situation.
So the goal shifts. Less about cutting them out. More about them taking up less room in your head. Fewer replies drafted at midnight. Fewer conversations rehearsed in the shower.
That happens slowly, and unevenly. Some weeks you’ll barely think about it. Then one message lands badly and you’ll feel like you’re back at the start. You’re not. Progress here looks like recovering faster, not never being knocked.
Running alongside all that is the quieter work of remembering who you are outside of it. For a lot of mums, rebuilding identity after divorce is where the ground finally steadies.
Turning down the volume on contact
Most of what helps is practical and slightly boring. That’s usually a good sign.
You might try:
- Moving everything to writing. Text or a co-parenting app, so there’s a record and no tone to read into.
- Setting times you check those messages. Twice a day, rather than the second they land.
- Keeping replies short and logistical. Times, dates, arrangements. Nothing else.
- Leaving a gap before you answer. Even an hour changes what you write.
- Asking someone you trust to read a hard message first, if you have that person.
An example might make that clearer.
Say a message arrives that reads: Unbelievable. You’ve made me miss his match AGAIN. You always do this and I’m sick of it.
The reply you want to send is long. It explains. It lists every time they were late themselves. That’s fair enough, and it’s also going to cost you the rest of your evening.
The reply that costs less is this: Handover is 5pm Friday, usual spot. Next match is Saturday 9am, he’s with you that weekend.
Nothing about the accusation. No defence, no history. Just the two facts that actually need answering.
It feels wrong the first few times, like you’re letting it stand. You’re not. You’re declining to have the argument. The accusation still isn’t true. You’ve simply stopped paying for the chance to say so.
Where arrangements keep falling apart, it can help to understand what parenting orders do. Structure sometimes does the work that endless negotiation never will.
How do you stop getting pulled into the same argument?
Slowly, and with a lot of forgiveness for yourself on the days you get pulled in anyway.
Something worth saying plainly first. Getting drawn into an argument is not a character flaw, and it is not consent. If someone is provoking you, that’s a thing they are doing. Your reaction doesn’t cause it, and changing your reaction won’t necessarily stop it.
What can change is how much it costs you.
Some mums find it helps to catch the physical signal before the emotional one arrives. A tight jaw. A held breath. That flush of heat as you read the first line. Noticing it there buys you a moment, and a moment is often enough to put the phone face down.
If big feelings come fast and leave you shaky afterwards, that’s worth understanding rather than scolding yourself over. Learning more about losing your temper takes some of the shame out of it.
What the kids pick up on
Kids notice tone long before they understand content. They can be in another room and still know the call went badly.
That’s worth knowing, and it isn’t a reason to feel guilty. You don’t have to be calm all the time in front of them. That isn’t available to anyone, in any family.
What seems to help is small and repeatable. Taking the hard calls when they’re not in earshot, where you can. Keeping your face steady at handover, even when your jaw isn’t. Not making them the messenger.
And when they do see you upset, saying something simple afterwards. That was a hard conversation and I got frustrated. It’s got nothing to do with you. Kids fill a silence with their own explanations, and those are usually worse than the truth.
You won’t get this right every time. They don’t need you to.
Looking after yourself while it’s still going on
This part usually gets left till last, and it shouldn’t.
You don’t need a plan or a program. You need small things that are actually possible on a Tuesday night when you’re tired.
Ten minutes outside before the school run. A proper meal instead of the kids’ leftovers. Going to bed with your phone across the room. One person you can be honest with.
If your sense of yourself has taken a battering, that’s very common after a long, difficult relationship, and it does come back. Poor self-worth in single mothers is tied far more closely to how supported she feels than to anything she’s done wrong.
There’s a boundaries guide and a self-esteem journal among the free printable resources, if something you can hold in your hand would help.
Where to find support in Australia
You don’t have to work this out on your own, and there’s more available than most people realise.
For safety questions, 1800RESPECT can help you think through what’s happening and make a plan, on 1800 737 732 or through their safety planning information. They’re used to uncertainty. You don’t need proof, or a decision, before you ring.
For your own mental health, a GP is the usual starting point. A mental health treatment plan opens up Medicare-rebated sessions with a psychologist or counsellor. Ask about bulk-billing and telehealth, which can matter a lot when childcare is the real barrier.
For the emotional side of separation and co-parenting, counselling with Single Mama Way is built for exactly this, by someone who has been through it herself.
For the legal side, Legal Aid in your state can advise on parenting arrangements.
Where this goes from here
There’s no clean finish line. Some weeks will be easy and some will knock you sideways, and both of those are normal.
But overcoming a toxic relationship with an ex does happen, quietly, in small shifts. One message you didn’t answer straight away. One night you slept through. One handover that didn’t sour the whole weekend.
If you take one thing from this, let it be the smallest one. You might try leaving a gap before your next reply. Just an hour. See what changes.
You’re doing something hard, and doing it while raising a child. That deserves more credit than it usually gets.
FAQ section
How long does it take to overcome a toxic relationship with an ex?
There’s no set timeline, and it usually isn’t a straight line. Most mums notice they recover from a hard message faster, long before those messages stop bothering them altogether.
Can you overcome a toxic relationship with an ex while still co-parenting?
Yes, though it looks different from a clean break. It becomes less about ending contact and more about the contact taking up less of your headspace.
Is it normal to still feel upset years after separating?
It’s very common, especially where contact has continued the whole time. Ongoing stress keeps the feelings live, which is a response to a real situation rather than a sign you haven’t moved on.
What’s the difference between a difficult ex and an abusive one?
Difficult is draining but not frightening. If you feel afraid, monitored, or find yourself changing what you do to keep them calm, that’s worth talking through with 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732.
Should I go no contact with my ex?
Full no contact usually isn’t available when you share a child. Low contact is the realistic goal: written communication only, checked at set times, kept to logistics.
Where can I get help in Australia if I’m not sure whether it’s abuse?
1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732 can help you work out what’s happening without you needing proof or a plan first. They take calls from people who are simply unsure.
Does counselling help if the situation hasn’t changed?
It often does, because it changes what the situation costs you day to day. A GP can set up a mental health treatment plan for Medicare-rebated sessions.
Book a Dedicated Counselling Session OR Explore Our Services
Share:
Read Next
