Co-parenting is often held up as the gold standard for separated parents, offering a chance for children to maintain meaningful relationships with both their parents.
But what happens when coparenting with a toxic ex?

When every interaction is laced with hostility, control, or manipulation, it can take a serious toll on your mental health and the stability of your home. For single mums, especially, who may already be juggling the demands of parenting solo, a toxic co-parenting dynamic can feel relentless and overwhelming.

Toxic co-parenting can manifest in many ways. Undermining your parenting, using the children to convey messages, refusing to adhere to agreed schedules, or even escalating to verbal abuse and intimidation. If this kind of behaviour starts to surface, it’s essential to take proactive steps early. These dynamics rarely resolve by themselves and may even escalate over time. Knowing your legal rights and options can empower you to create a safer, more stable environment for you and your children.

Your Rights and Legal Options for Coparenting with a Toxic Ex

If you’re dealing with a toxic co-parenting situation, there are several legal pathways available in Australia. To help you stay safe and protect your peace of mind, let’s explore some legal and supportive steps you can take.

Our regular contributor, Ella Hickman of Hickman Family Lawyers in Perth, shares some tips to protect yourself and your children.

Engage A Parenting Co-Ordinator

Parenting coordinators are neutral third parties who assist parents in implementing and complying with parenting orders. When communication between parents breaks down or becomes toxic, a parenting coordinator can help minimise conflict by acting as a buffer and guiding discussions in a productive direction.

They do not make decisions like a judge or arbitrator, but they can help resolve everyday parenting issues, such as pick-up times, school events, and holiday arrangements, without having to return to court. Parenting coordinators often come from legal, psychological, or social work backgrounds and are trained in conflict resolution.

In high-conflict cases, a parenting coordinator can be appointed by agreement of the parties or through a court order. This can be a particularly helpful step if your ex-partner tends to escalate situations or miscommunicate arrangements. Having someone who can keep records, interpret the terms of existing orders, and ensure both parties stick to agreements can be invaluable for reducing stress and maintaining focus on the children’s best interests.

Restraining Orders When Coparenting with a Toxic Ex

Restraining orders are legal tools designed to protect individuals from abuse, harassment, or violence. If your co-parenting relationship has escalated to threats, stalking, or any form of abuse, applying for a restraining order may be necessary.

In Australia, the two most relevant types of restraining orders are Family Violence Restraining Orders (FVROs) and Violence Restraining Orders (VROs). An FVRO applies when there is or has been a family or domestic relationship between the parties and family violence has occurred or is likely to occur. Family violence includes physical harm, threats, emotional abuse, coercive control, and even damage to property.

A VRO is generally used when the individuals involved do not share a family relationship, but protection is still needed. Applying for a restraining order involves filing an application at your local Magistrates Court. In many cases, you may be granted an interim order immediately. The other party will be served with the order and given an opportunity to contest it at a final hearing.

These orders can include conditions that limit or prohibit contact, require the surrender of firearms, and restrict proximity to your home, workplace, or children’s school. They can be crucial in setting firm boundaries and ensuring your physical and emotional safety.

Parenting Orders

Parenting orders are legally binding court orders that outline parenting arrangements such as where children live, how much time they spend with each parent, and how decisions are made about their welfare. If you’re experiencing a toxic co-parenting situation, relying on informal agreements is often not enough. Parenting orders provide structure, enforceability, and a clear reference point.

You can apply for parenting orders through the Family Court, by agreement (consent orders) or after a contested hearing. The court will make decisions based on what is in the child’s best interests, taking into account factors like each parent’s ability to provide a safe and nurturing environment.

Having parenting orders in place can help minimise contact when coparenting with a toxic ex by making it clear when and how transitions and communication should occur. They also provide legal recourse if the other parent fails to comply, allowing you to seek enforcement or variation of the orders through the court. This can be particularly important in protecting your child’s routine and emotional well-being.

Emotional Care When Coparenting with a Toxic Ex

Legal solutions are only one part of the equation. If you’re co-parenting with someone who is difficult or harmful, it’s essential to have emotional support and professional guidance. A therapist or psychologist can provide a neutral space for you to discuss parenting challenges, manage stress, and develop coping strategies.

Working with a mental health professional can help you build resilience and maintain perspective, especially when faced with manipulation or gaslighting. They can also assist you in identifying patterns of abuse or control and help you make informed decisions that prioritise your wellbeing and your children’s. Single Mama Way Counselling can provide such support. A complimentary discovery call can be a great place to start if you are unsure where to begin.

In some cases, therapists can be involved in family court proceedings by providing reports or offering insight into a child’s emotional state. However, their primary role is to support your mental health and help you navigate complex emotional terrain.

Seeking therapy is not a sign of weakness; it’s a proactive step towards safeguarding your mental health so that you can parent more effectively in a high-conflict situation.

Appointing A Single Expert Witness

In some family law matters, particularly those involving ongoing disputes about parenting
arrangements, the court may appoint a single expert witness—usually a psychologist, social worker or psychiatrist—to assess both parties and the child. This expert prepares a report with recommendations that the court may use to guide parenting orders.

The single expert witness evaluates the parenting capacity of each parent, the child’s needs and relationships, and any risks to the child’s welfare. Their role is to provide an impartial, professional opinion that serves the child’s best interests.

This process can be incredibly helpful in coparenting with a toxic ex situations where one parent may be manipulative or emotionally abusive. The expert’s assessment can bring objectivity to the situation and help the court understand the dynamics at play, particularly those that aren’t easily captured in day-to-day interactions.

While the process can feel invasive, especially as it requires interviews and observations, it is ultimately designed to bring clarity and ensure that the final parenting arrangements support the child’s safety and development.

Taking A Parenting Course

Taking a parenting course is not only helpful but is often looked upon favourably by the family courts. These courses provide practical tools for managing conflict, improving communication, and prioritising children’s emotional needs.

Ideally, both parents would participate, but even if your co-parent refuses, you can still benefit significantly by attending. Many courses offer strategies specifically designed for high-conflict coparenting with a toxic ex or separated parenting situations. They help you identify triggers, de-escalate arguments, and foster a child-focused approach to parenting.

Courses such as “Family Is Forever”, the “Parenting Orders Program” (POP) or “Building
Connections” are run by community organisations across Australia and often include a blend of online and in-person sessions. Participation can also demonstrate to the court that you are committed to creating a healthy, stable environment for your children.

Parenting is challenging under the best of circumstances. In a toxic co-parenting arrangement, having education and tools at your disposal can make a meaningful difference to how you navigate day-to-day challenges and long-term decisions.

Final Thoughts on Coparenting with a Toxic Ex

When co-parenting with a toxic ex, it’s crucial not to suffer in silence or hope that things will improve on their own. Legal steps such as obtaining restraining orders, formalising parenting arrangements, and seeking professional guidance can create the structure and safety you and your children need. Whether it’s through the courts or community support services, there are options available to help you protect your well-being and reclaim a sense of stability amidst the chaos.

Ella Hickman

Ella Hickman is the owner and Principal of Hickman Family Lawyers, one of the leading family lawyers in Perth. She practices almost exclusively in family law in Perth and has a particular interest in parenting and children’s issues, matters arising from domestic violence in relationships, and property settlement cases.

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