Shame can be one of the hardest feelings to talk about, especially when you’re parenting on your own. If you’ve been looking for how to overcome shame, you might already be carrying a quiet sense of “I should be coping better” or “Why does this feel so heavy for me?”

The truth is, many single mums experience shame in ways that are subtle but deeply affecting. It can show up in everyday moments — second-guessing a decision, feeling judged by others, or pushing yourself to be everything at once. And when you’re already managing so much, those feelings can build up quickly.

In this article, we’ll talk about what shame is, where it comes from, and how you can start releasing it with small, compassionate shifts.

Defining Shame and Factors That Cause It

Shame is a complex emotion that is difficult to define but incredibly powerful and pervasive to experience. It is a feeling of intense humiliation, embarrassment, or disgrace caused by a sense of failure or inadequacy. 

Shame can arise from many different sources, including our own actions or those of others. It can also be caused by societal expectations and norms that we must live up to to be accepted. Additionally, our own thoughts and beliefs about ourselves can also evoke shame. 

No matter where it began, shame has a way of convincing you that you’re the problem. But you’re not. You’re a mum doing the best you can in circumstances many people will never fully understand. And naming shame is often the first step toward loosening its hold.

Guilt vs. Shame: Why One Helps You Grow, and the Other Holds You Back

Guilt and shame are frequently used interchangeably, but they are two distinct feelings.

• Shame is when you feel bad about your behaviour. It sounds more like: “There’s something wrong with me.” Shame pulls inward and makes you question your worth.
• Feeling guilty is when you feel bad about the outcomes of your actions. It sounds like: “I wish I’d handled that differently.” Guilt can guide you toward repair or making a different choice next time.

Although both emotions can motivate you to change, they can also cause negative feelings of despair and sadness if not handled correctly.

However, shame is considered a more harmful feeling than guilt, mainly because it emphasises the individual rather than the act. Therefore, this emotion can cause an individual to feel inadequate and have diminished self-worth.

Understanding this difference is essential when learning how to overcome shame, because it helps you respond to your feelings with clarity rather than self-blame.

Why Shame Hits Single Mothers So Deeply

Shame can affect anyone, but for single mums, it often settles in a little deeper and shows up a little more often. Not because you’re doing anything wrong, but because you’re carrying responsibilities and expectations that most people never have to navigate on their own. 

Here are a few common experiences that can make shame feel especially sharp for single mums:

• External judgement: Subtle comments, assumptions, school forms that don’t reflect your family, or the sense of being “watched” by other adults.
• Outdated cultural expectations: Old narratives about what a “proper” family should look like and the pressure to “hold it all together.”
• Internal pressure: The quiet voice asking, “Am I giving my kids enough?” or “What if I’m the reason things feel hard?”
• Shifting friendships: When a separation or divorce changes how people treat you or leaves you feeling less supported.
• Children’s emotions: Seeing your kids confused, sad, or unsettled and believing you should’ve prevented their pain.
• The weight of doing it all: Making every decision, managing every responsibility, and rarely having a moment to exhale.

The consequences of shame can be either helpful or unhelpful. Appropriate or adaptive shame can educate us and encourage us to improve ourselves. In contrast, destructive or maladaptive shame can hinder us and contribute to mental health issues like anxiety and depression.

Research shows that forgiving yourself can become easier when you feel guilty, but it can be challenging when you feel ashamed. According to Stanford Medicine, self-forgiveness is essential to overcoming both guilt and shame — a key insight for anyone learning how to overcome shame. In our subscriber resource vault, there’s a “Moving Forward Worksheet” that can help even shame-prone individuals achieve self-forgiveness.

The Consequences of Unresolved Shame

Unresolved shame can have a devastating impact on our lives. It can lead to feelings of worthlessness, guilt, and self-loathing that can last for years. It can also lead to depression, anxiety, and other mental health issues.

The long-term effects of unresolved shame are far-reaching and can be challenging to overcome. It can also manifest in different ways, such as:

• Causing us to feel disconnected from our friends, family, and children. 
• Stopping us from being able to form meaningful relationships. 
• Retreating from social interactions or ceasing to seek them out. 
• Returning to a violent relationship. 
• Turning to destructive behaviours, such as substance abuse or self-harm.

Recognising the consequences of unresolved shame is an essential step in learning how to overcome shame. Understanding its root causes can help us begin the process of resolving it and reclaiming our sense of self-worth.

It is a gradual process that requires patience and support. It involves learning to be kinder and more compassionate towards ourselves and recognising that we are deserving of love, respect, and happiness. 

Single Mama Way can support you through this journey, and a one-hour Power Consult is a beautiful first step if you’re ready for clarity, grounding, and a little extra steadiness as you rebuild your sense of self-worth.

Strategies on How to Overcome Shame & Build Self-Esteem

Feelings of shame and guilt can seriously hinder one’s self-worth, causing a sense of undeserving and low self-esteem. Acknowledging and overcoming these emotions is essential to building a healthy sense of self-confidence and pride. 

There are several gentle and effective approaches that support mums in building self-esteem and understanding how to overcome shame, including:

• Name the shame and identify its source: Shame feels heavier when it’s vague. Naming it helps you see whether it comes from your own expectations, past relationships, or old stories you never chose.
• Understand how they affect your life: Notice the moments when shame shifts your behaviour — the overthinking, the people-pleasing, the withdrawing. Awareness makes room for change.
• Adopt positive coping mechanisms: Gentle practices like pausing to breathe, journaling, or grounding your body can help interrupt shame spirals and bring you back to yourself.
• Engage in positive self-talk: Swap harsh inner commentary for kinder truths. Speak to yourself the way you’d speak to a friend who’s doing her best in a hard season.
• Seek support from others: Shame grows in isolation. Reaching out to someone safe helps you feel less alone and more understood.

These strategies can help individuals overcome negative emotions and build healthier self-worth. In addition, shame can be addressed through therapy, self-reflection, and self-compassion. 

Shame in Our Culture

Cultural and personal factors can influence the feeling of shame. Some societies view it as a form of social control, while others consider it an undesirable emotion. Factors such as mistreatment, prejudice, and shame can intensify feelings of embarrassment.

Surrounding yourself with people who share these beliefs can reinforce and amplify your shame. Conversely, embracing vulnerability and acceptance can reduce feelings of shame and cultivate a positive self-image.

Harmful mindsets and actions must be addressed to create a society that values tolerance and empathy. It’s essential to acknowledge the presence of shame in yourself without judgment and seek a safe, supportive environment to express yourself freely.

One such environment is The Single Mum Vine, Beanstalk Mums’ community of like-minded, caring and inspiring single mums. It’s a space where you’re met with understanding instead of criticism, and where your story is honoured rather than dismissed. When you feel held by women who truly get it, the weight of shame begins to soften.

Moving Forward with Confidence: How To Overcome Shame In A Grounded, Gentle Way

Learning how to overcome shame isn’t about becoming a different version of yourself — it’s about reconnecting with the strength, care, and resilience that have been in you all along. Shame may have shaped parts of your story, especially during seasons of transition or parenting on your own, but it doesn’t get to define who you are or where you’re headed.

Ultimately, cultivating a sense of self-worth and self-acceptance is the key to overcoming shame. This can be achieved through various practices centred on mindfulness, self-care, and therapy. By embracing our imperfections and recognising our inherent value as human beings, we can move past shame and live more fulfilling lives.

Single Mama Elle

Elle is our compassionate single mum counsellor, dedicated to guiding fellow mamas through life's challenges. With a heartfelt commitment to transforming obstacles into opportunities, Elle provides empathetic support and practical guidance to her clients. As a single mother herself, she intimately understands the daily struggles and joys of single parenthood. Outside of counselling sessions, Elle finds rejuvenation in nature walks and yoga practice, nurturing her own well-being to better support others. Through her counselling practice, Elle aims to instil unwavering belief in single mums, empowering them to navigate life's journey with resilience and optimism.

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